Today I sat in a restaurant with my son and he was everywhere.
On top of the table, underneath, playing with the salt and pepper, screaming so loud I think everyone else heard his youthful lungs.
The only thing I was thinking or even facing is self-regret.
Why must I be?
There is no such thing?
Stop thinking so negative, I keep telling myself and I kept repeating those words gracefully.
I can’t seem to shake things off.
Even the death of my husband…
No matter the circumstances, I once loved him.
He was the world to me and everything we had I couldn’t bear but to accept the fact that we weren’t perfect.
Nor were we really meant for one another, maybe we were if we put effort into what we had.
Most of all I knew our minds weren’t on the same page
My mind was on the future and hoping that someday he would see.
It is true what people say you never miss someone so much until they’re gone.
I miss him, yes, but I always have.
Hoping for the impossible these past two years.
Hoping for him to face reality and to see the truth.
But all of those hopes ended on April 28th.
I wonder what were his exact thoughts on that very day.
The moment he held the gun to his head, I wonder what was on his mind.
Was he in regret?
Was he doubtful of his army career?
Was he a victim of abuse?
Was I the reason for his misery?
What happened on that day, the day of April 28th…
At 6:12 P.M he pulled that trigger and instantly he was gone.
I can’t seem to forget that very time, 6:12 P.M.
Which happens to also be my date of birth June 12th.
Was this a coincidence at all?
Was it meant to be?
Something only those who know me personally knows that when I was around my son’s age, My mother was murdered by an unlicensed surgeon who needed money.
She was 23 years old, the same age as my husband.
It seems like history is repeating itself, with me.
I cry every single night because I don’t know what will happen next.
On April 27th, I dreamt that my husband was deceased.
Instead of him laying in a casket he was sitting.
He looked very handsome, he looked asleep.
As I studied him, He arose so fast he didn’t know where he was.
He was happy to see me…
But I explained that he needed to hug his son,
His son needed him, He yelled back ” NO, I CAN’T ”
He then held him and began to cry and then I realized that he was in self-regret…
The afternoon of April 28th around 5 P.M I attended a prison tour,
It was an experience.
Something I don’t want to do ever again..
During the tour, I remember telling my sister how sick I felt and how much my head was hurting…
I thought nothing of it, I figured I ate too much of something.
April 29th I arrive at work and receive a call from the United States Army.
I thought it was a complete joke when they called my personal office number.
Right there I knew, He was gone and I began to cry…
I headed home the next moment to only see two service members knocking on my door.
Before he left and went on his journey.
I watched Army Wives, I was preparing myself.
I wanted to be strong, and I wanted to a great support system.
I never envisioned two service members appearing at my door steps.
I never envisioned losing him.
It all happened so fast..
I now look at my son, I see me.
unknowledgeable about my surroundings but so happy.
When I see my son, I see his father…
I hope and I pray every single night that he is watching over his son and making sure he is safe.
Grant, O Lord, Thy protection And in protection, strength And in strength, understanding And in understanding, knowledge And in knowledge, the knowledge of justice And in the knowledge of justice, the love of it And in the love of it, the love of all existences And in that love, the love of spirit and all creation. –
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