Sleepless nights 

I’ve been having sleepless nights, many sleepless nights.
I started to think that it was me being so anxious and life getting in the way.
Last night I realized that life wasn’t the case at all, I have my life figured out and big plans for the future, I hope these plans work out.
He is still stuck into my head,
April 28th is still stuck in my head.
Sometimes I daydream..
I sit here looking for answers within myself, within my past.

I am not quite sure why things happen the way they do. No one does, life just happens.

Everyday there isn’t a single person that crosses my mind. He crosses my mind. April 28th did not only change my son, it has changed me too. Although, my husband and I didn’t have a relationship we had many understandings.. for some reason he did not quite understand what it meant to be a faithful husband and a father.

Till this day I have several nightmares..

I haven’t slept since the week of April 28th. All I can see is the service members apologizing, and notifying me about how deeply sorry the United States Army had been. This was a big loss, my big loss, my sons greater loss. Some things can’t be replaced.

My son is two; almost three. He knows who his father is. Ask him and he will say ” that’s daddy “… it is my duty to show my son the love and support he needs and to show him how vulnerable his father was even as a soldier.

Everyday I try to repress my memories but I just can’t seem to let it go.  When I see Andrew I see the future. Where he begins to question me.. I see the moments where he is depressed because I am his mom and moms can’t do what fathers can. I can see the sadness and loneliness within his eyes.

I see myself, just a few years ago. That was me. I always felt alone..

No matter who was around they weren’t around for me. I was there for myself and myself only.  I was scared of life because I didn’t know what it had in store for me. I honestly pictured myself out of this world. Because it seemed better without me in it.

I spent days of my life trying to figure out why my life was so out of shape. Why I had to be that child with no parents.. why life had been so hard on me…  I was never prepared for the right answer, but I always made myself ready for rejection. Then I began to say to myself that this is how he felt, he was tired of it all.

The difference between our situations was that he pulled the trigger and I choose to face my struggles.

Today I couldn’t be more thankful for my past, because my past has made me who I am today. I’m praying that maybe someday as my son grows he understands.

Posted by

From New York City to Harrisburg, PA Daynia Anthony is the editor and contributor to Daynia is currently a student at Central Penn College. Her passion is to inspire and help others achieve success through personal development to determine what you can be and how to become it.

One thought on “Sleepless nights 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s