Sleepless nights 

I’ve been having sleepless nights, many sleepless nights.
I started to think that it was me being so anxious and life getting in the way.
Last night I realized that life wasn’t the case at all, I have my life figured out and big plans for the future, I hope these plans work out.
He is still stuck into my head,
April 28th is still stuck in my head.
Sometimes I daydream..
I sit here looking for answers within myself, within my past.

I am not quite sure why things happen the way they do. No one does, life just happens.

Everyday there isn’t a single person that crosses my mind. He crosses my mind. April 28th did not only change my son, it has changed me too. Although, my husband and I didn’t have a relationship we had many understandings.. for some reason he did not quite understand what it meant to be a faithful husband and a father.

Till this day I have several nightmares..

I haven’t slept since the week of April 28th. All I can see is the service members apologizing, and notifying me about how deeply sorry the United States Army had been. This was a big loss, my big loss, my sons greater loss. Some things can’t be replaced.

My son is two; almost three. He knows who his father is. Ask him and he will say ” that’s daddy “… it is my duty to show my son the love and support he needs and to show him how vulnerable his father was even as a soldier.

Everyday I try to repress my memories but I just can’t seem to let it go.  When I see Andrew I see the future. Where he begins to question me.. I see the moments where he is depressed because I am his mom and moms can’t do what fathers can. I can see the sadness and loneliness within his eyes.

I see myself, just a few years ago. That was me. I always felt alone..

No matter who was around they weren’t around for me. I was there for myself and myself only.  I was scared of life because I didn’t know what it had in store for me. I honestly pictured myself out of this world. Because it seemed better without me in it.

I spent days of my life trying to figure out why my life was so out of shape. Why I had to be that child with no parents.. why life had been so hard on me…  I was never prepared for the right answer, but I always made myself ready for rejection. Then I began to say to myself that this is how he felt, he was tired of it all.

The difference between our situations was that he pulled the trigger and I choose to face my struggles.

Today I couldn’t be more thankful for my past, because my past has made me who I am today. I’m praying that maybe someday as my son grows he understands.

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